i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
