theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
