sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
