totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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