i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
