ya dads aren't the best wingmen
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Randomize
