I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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