you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
