and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Randomize
