I just threw up on my dentist
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
