I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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