at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
