I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
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