The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Just invented taco cereal.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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