I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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