dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
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You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
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This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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