i was rollin on her like bob the builder
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
