is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
