I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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