You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Reggie can tackle my bush.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
you had me at cake vodka
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
