Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Randomize
