when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
