hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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