I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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