if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Randomize
