I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
