You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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