and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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