I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Randomize
