chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
