I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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