nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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