he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
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