I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize