after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
my being single is dangerous.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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