I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I cut my penus on the lid.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
