oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
