He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
