im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
