just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Randomize
