I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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