i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Randomize
