I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
