Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
