I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Randomize
