i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
