no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
