would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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