My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
