I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Randomize
