I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
