It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Randomize
