went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
