I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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